BETTY: Last season on Ugly Betty...
He says his name is Daniel.
You are his father.
JUSTIN: She has a crush on my gym teacher.
You're telling me that you're married?
I just wanted you to know, because I feel like I'm falling for you.
CHRISTINA: Why did I agree to have Wilhelmina's baby?
Christina, you didn't have a choice.
I'm going to start a magazine.
I'm going to call it, Hot Flash.
You are no longer Editor-in-Chief of Mode. I am.
How could you do this to me?
We'll find something else for you to do, but Mode just isn't it.
Come to Rome with me.
Yes! What?
Will you marry me, Betty?
I had a choice to make between two guys,
and I was torn. And then it hit me.
Literally, a softball hit me.
I'm sorry. You're so special to me.
And as much as I love you, I'm just not ready to marry you.
I know how much you care about me, and I care about you, too.
But not in that way.
And I feel like if I go to Rome with you, I'm just gonna be leading you on.
There's just so much that I wanna experience
before I settle into a relationship.
For my life, my career...
(SIGHS)
Mom, you never got the chance to find out who you were without us.
You sacrificed everything so we would be happy,
so I have to take this opportunity and find out who I am
by myself.
I don't know what I'm gonna find,
but I know where I can start.
A place you always dreamt of going.
I miss you.
(SIGHS)
Wish me luck.
(SIN GIN G) I hear a wind
Whistling air
Whispering in my ear
Boy mercury
Shooting through every degree
Oh, girl, dancing down
Those dirty and dusty trails
Roam if you want to
Roam around the world
Roam if you want to
Without anything but the love we feel
And this is me and Peggy eating clam chowder in San Francisco.
- That's a woman? - BETTY: Yes, she's a woman.
Peg and the girls were bike riding cross-country. They were so inspiring.
All of these women had survived illnesses.
I can't wait to get back to Mode and pitch their stories,
along with a lot of other ideas.
This is my idea binder.
I started it when I was on my trip
because I have a lot to say and a lot that I want to do,
and I feel so empowered.
Is that why you have this weird blue thing around your neck?
Well, yes. This weird blue thing is my power animal. It's a dove.
It represents the feminine energies of peace and maturity.
- Did Peg give you that? - No, she said feminine energy.
Okay, okay.
The whole point is that I came back with a plan.
And I want Dad to hear this. Where is he? Dad!
IGNACIO: Right here.
Welcome to Flushing Burgers, may I take your order?
You got a job?
Welcome home, mi hija. How was your trip?
Don't change the subject. When did you get a job?
Hey, you inspired me.
When you made that big decision to go on this trip,
I thought maybe I should start cooking somewhere other than this kitchen.
I'm so proud of you.
Sure feels good to be back in the work force.
And I like the cap.
Yeah, it's... Sparkly.
- Justin? - I was trying to put the "you" in uniform.
You're gonna get me in trouble. Now fix it.
- No. I think it's sparkling... - Are you kidding me, papi?
Don't be on his side. Put it back.
Guys!
I have created a plan for myself, and I'm very eager to share it with you,
so fasten your seatbelts.
Number one, I am going take on more responsibility at work
so that, within a year, I get a promotion.
(ALL CHEERING)
Number two, I'm not going to let any romantic entanglements get in my way.
And then finally, number three,
I'm getting my own apartment in the city.
Dad, slow down. Come on. Dad, say something, please.
Mi hija, how can you afford an apartment in Manhattan?
I've been saving up, and I'm really good with money.
I know it's not gonna be cheap, but I can do it.
I don't think you're ready.
I am ready, Dad, and this trip has helped me grow up.
Look, Betty, life isn't easy. You know that,
but you don't really know it until you start experiencing things.
Yes. Experiencing things, that's the whole point. You see?
Look, you come back with all this talk about change and growing up
and it just makes you sound...
(SIGHS)
What? It makes me sound what?
Well, a little naive.
- Naive? - Yeah.
Well, I'm glad I have your support.
Betty...
- Morning, Kim. - That's your daughter?
The one that works at Mode and went on that big trip?
Yeah, Betty.
And now she's even planning on getting an apartment in the city.
Okay, Jose. We don't get paid to chit-chat.
Corporate's been all up in my grill about hygiene,
so get your gloves on and clean those nasty toilets.
But I thought I was on fryer today.
Change of plan. Urinal cakes in the back.
Okay, Mode, get ready for Betty.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
AMANDA: Thank you for calling the new Mode magazine,
how may I direct your call?
Please hold.
Welcome to the new Mode magazine, how may I direct your call?
Amanda.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Betty. I forgot how big and bright you are.
- What are you doing here? - I work here. My God, it's freezing.
She likes it that way. It keeps everyone sharp.
- She? - MARC: Mandy.
I'm looking out for you, but you gotta look busy,
even if you're doing nothing, which is one of your strengths.
Hey, Betty. Betty!
Oh, my God. Is it real? Am I hallucinating?
- Marc, stop touching me. - It is real. Betty. Betty...
- Like a long-lost teddy bear. - Furry...
Why are you guys being so nice to me?
Because you remind us of the good old days
when you were here and you'd say something weird,
or wear something hideous.
Like that thing around your neck.
There's so many things we could say about that.
So many.
Well, I'm back. So you'll have plenty of time.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
(GASPS)
Manolo Blahniks, Fall 2008.
Only one person in these offices wears those shoes.
Everyone look busy!
What?
Welcome to the new Mode magazine.
Daniel?
(THUDDING)
No, no. Must I do everything myself?
So we're working here now?
Yeah, Alexis and Wilhelmina pushed me out.
This is where I landed.
But, Daniel, isn't Player a little smutty?
This is the third best-selling, no-nudity men's magazine in the country.
And it's so much more my speed. I mean, don't I look more relaxed?
Totally relaxed. Is that a mustache you're growing?
It's cool, huh?
Betty, come on. I swear it's so much better this way.
I still own my third of Meade,
but now I'm in charge of a magazine that actually speaks to me.
Look at this. You know what it says?
"Beer Blast"?
No. It says, "Cut down on your hours. Spend more time with your son."
You know, I'm starting to learn French.
DJ's been learning English from late-night TV.
Daniel, I've been gone for almost a month.
You couldn't have called me and told me that any of this was happening?
I did. Ginger, how many messages did we leave on Betty's cell phone?
A lot.
What number were you calling?
This is six numbers and the letter "P."
I'm pretty sure that's right.
Well... Hey, I want you to meet the gang.
Come on. Everyone, let's gather around.
There's someone I want you to meet.
Everyone, this is my assistant, Betty.
(ALL BOOING)
Why are they booing me?
It's all in fun. They boo everyone.
(ALL GROWLING AND BARKING)
TRE Y: Is this your biatch?
It's okay. That's code name for "assistant."
- So how was your trip? - It was amazing.
I'm so excited to be back and take some more responsibility at work,
but I kind of thought that we would be doing that at Mode.
Well, you can do all that here.
Okay, yeah.
- Great. - Okay.
Daniel, wait. What should I get started on?
Anything you like. Just have fun. Ginger, show her the lay of the land.
I was once voted the Lay of the Land.
Love your perfume, Claire. Musky.
Bite me, Wilhelmina.
Alexis.
So, I'm confused. Is this the budget for the new Mode launch,
or the next Harry Potter film?
I know the marketing numbers are a teensy bit high,
but we are pulling Mode out of a dark cloud.
Meaning my brother?
Well, I didn't want to say anything,
but this magazine was barely scraping by when Daniel was here.
This is our opportunity to get the word out that Mode is new and improved.
I can't do it.
Alexis, darling, we need the splashy ads,
the giant billboard in Times Square.
The giant billboard belongs to Hot Flash.
That sinking ship?
Exactly why it needs a billboard.
You already have a name brand to work with. Hot Flash doesn't.
I'm sorry, Wilhelmina. I'm cutting you off.
(STAMMERING)
Wait... You're cutting me off? You're cutting me off?
Hold it in. Hold it in. Hold it in. Hold it in.
Think Wilhelmina's favorite things, macaroons, Sade, Karl Rove.
Hold it in. Hold it in. Here we go, here we go.
Out, out, out, out.
(SCREAMING)
Willie, are you okay? Say something, damn it.
Do you want me to slap you? Okay.
That won't be necessary.
That sinking ship is going to throw us a life preserver.
This is the year I was supposed to take on more, get ahead.
Daniel's got me doing nothing.
So maybe Player magazine isn't quite what you expected,
but neither was Mode when you started.
You made that work.
I guess you're right. Oh! There it is.
Thank God for that. I'm freaking starving.
Although, a fair warning, falafel sort of makes me a bit gassy.
What? I'm a pregnant woman. I can get away with saying things like that.
- Christina, we're not eating. Look... - What?
The next step in my plan, get an apartment in the city.
COACH: Okay, well, we didn't even make it upstairs.
You'll see it next time.
Really?
Your dad pulling any more all-day shifts this week?
I don't know. Work's been kind of... Papi!
What...
(LAUGHING)
- That's not funny. - Sorry.
- Okay, maybe that's a little funny. - Okay.
- But don't do that again. - I won't, I promise.
(RHYTHMIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Okay, what is that?
That's my wife's ringtone.
Oh.
Look, maybe we should talk about things...
- No, no. I don't want to talk about it. - Yeah, and where we're going, and...
Hilda...
I love being with you. I do. I haven't felt this way in such a long time.
You know, I went through something that was really hard,
and I just... I just... I just wanna be happy.
I don't wanna think about the future.
Yeah, but the future could be amazing between us.
I told you how bad things are with her.
We got married when we were both 20. We're not the same people anymore.
We both know it's over.
(RHYTHMIC MUSIC ON CELL PHONE)
Oh, my God. It's yellow. It's perfect.
Betty, no, you don't want to say that too loud.
Someone else might want it. Too bad about the murder
that happened in the apartment, though, eh?
One bedroom, it's pet friendly, close to all trains,
tiled bathrooms, plenty of closets...
Look at the price. A bit expensive, though, isn't it?
Yeah, I know, but maybe I could eat ramen twice a week,
or do some more overtime.
It would be a challenge.
I'm ready for that.
That's what my trip taught me, I can take any challenge head-on.
And that I...
(GASPS)
Oh, my God, Christina, look. It's my power animal.
- It's a pigeon. - It's a sign.
(BETTY COOING)
I have to do this.
I'm meant to do this. Christina, I have to do this.
Okay, Betty. If you think you really want to do it,
you've gotta go straight over to that real estate agent
and you've gotta tell her you want this apartment right now.
Okay. Yes, I will. I'll take it.
WOMAN: I'll take it.
What? No, no, no...
Excuse me, I'm sorry, but this apartment is supposed to be mine.
I mean, you can't just give it away like that. Can you?
Welcome to the Big Apple. You want a place, you have to act fast.
Seriously? That fast?
- It's a gut thing, honey. - I have a gut.
I mean, I'm ready. I'm ready for this. I just... I just need an apartment.
You must have some other places that you could show me.
Well, there's something else in this building.
Hasn't come on the market yet.
Okay. Is it nice?
Exactly like this one. But a higher floor, so even better.
- Sexy views. - That sounds amazing. Can I see it?
BETTY: I don't understand.
It was supposed to look exactly like the other apartment I saw.
Whoa, wait a minute. You didn't see it before you rented it?
- It was occupied. - By a corpse?
It's okay. It's okay. It just... It needs a little TLC.
You know what?
The real estate agent said that it had sexy views.
Okay.
That is not sexy. Or sanitary.
How much money did you put into all of this?
Betty?
Everything. My entire savings account.
I can't believe this!
That is the stupidest, most irresponsible...
You know papi is not making a lot, and my salon is not doing that great,
- and with the cost of gas these days... - You don't have a car.
You know what I'm saying.
We are struggling as it is and you throw all your money away on this?
- I can fix this. - How?
How are you gonna fix this? I'm calling papi.
What? Hilda. No, no, no, no. Don't you dare.
- Hilda, give me that. - Why?
- Just give me the phone. - Get off.
Just let me fix this on my own.
I mean, she never let me see the apartment.
That was a little tricky, don't you think?
Okay, call me back. Betty Suarez, 5G, thank you.
What's going on?
I got an apartment. But it's a disaster. I'm working on it.
Why don't you come into the conference room for a minute?
I'm stuck.
(DJ GIGGLING)
DJ, you put the glue on my seat. Ha, ha!
Very funny. Daniel.
What? Come on. He's being a kid. It's funny.
Look, this'll make you feel better. I promise.
(ALL BOOING)
Come on, you can't just boo people.
(ALL BARKING)
I got great news for you. I showed Uno here your idea binder.
Awesome stuff.
I really dug those victim chicks on wheels.
Wow. Really?
And it inspired our fall cover.
Shut up. Strong women bicycling across the country?
Actually, it's gonna be six hot girls on motorcycles
riding through the biggest party towns in our country.
(MIMICS MOTORC YCLE REVVING)
But that's not my idea.
See, we don't like disease.
(ALL BOOING)
Or old women.
(ALL BOOING)
Uno, they're 40.
(ALL BOOING)
Betty, there's a perfect tie-in, okay?
Harley show in Brooklyn tomorrow.
We're gonna introduce "The Biker Chicks of Player."
And because it was your original concept,
I think you should head up the event.
Betty, you asked for more responsibility.
This is gonna open up a whole new market for us.
Fine. Yes. Okay.
(CHEERING AND CLAPPING)
(ALL GROWLING)
I said gingham, and you give me Japanese floral garden kimonos?
More like ki-no-nos.
And dragon prints, Margaret, really? Dragon prints? After all these years?
And thank you, Rodrigo, for the gift of whiteface kabuki makeup.
You really put the "gay" in geisha.
You should all kill yourselves.
This is the most important issue of Mode ever, people.
Come back with something fresh, or don't bother coming back at all.
BETTY: Yep.
No, I totally understand. It's just it's not fair
because I didn't know that was the apartment I was getting.
"L," you're on the Sportster model. Can you trade places?
Well, could I at least get my money back?
Could you put your hair up, so we can see the letter more clearly?
No, not you. I can't see your hair.
But you know what? I'm sure it looks great.
Okay. Look, could you just send somebody
to fix it up or to clean it or something?
Really? What time? Yes. Okay, I'll be there. Today, okay. Bye.
- Hey. - Hey.
What are you two doing here?
Marc wanted to see all the girls in bikinis.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Actually, we heard you were going to be here.
And we just know you're going to do
something amazingly awful and embarrassing.
And we wanted to see it happen. You know, for old times' sake.
Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but nothing is going to happen.
So if you will excuse me...
(MARC AND AMANDA LAUGHING)
DJ.
- Daniel. - Come on,
it's just Silly String, it's not broken glass.
You gotta learn to laugh at yourself.
- Should he even be here? - Why not?
Look, I'm gonna be a cool dad. I don't want to be like my father.
Well, you don't have to be like your father,
but he did come here looking for a father.
So some boundaries wouldn't hurt.
GINGER: Betty. Betty. Betty. Betty.
Major 411. Or is it 911 that's emergency?
I always get those confused. Anyway, we just lost "R."
- What? - The "R" girl. To spell Player.
DJ sprayed Silly String in her eyes and she got all freaked out and went home
and now we're a girl short.
ANNO UNCER: Okay, hogs and heifers,
get ready as we launch the Player Girls...
Okay, let me think. What should we do?
Daniel, I'll figure this out, it's my responsibility.
You take care of DJ.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
We're back now with Wilhelmina and Alexis.
So nice to have you here.
It is such an honor to be at the helm
as we re-launch the new and improved Mode.
And Wilhelmina is doing a great job.
We should mention, for the people in our audience who don't know,
Wilhelmina took over Mode from Alexis' brother, Daniel Meade.
So what's the deal with that?
What kind of a show are you running over there, Alexis?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Daniel just decided to work...
Where his skills would be better utilized.
Tell us about this new magazine, Hot Flash.
Is that what this is? I thought it was some kind of joke.
It's my mother's pet project.
Hot Flash, I just got it.
It's like menopause. It's a magazine about lady business.
I know it's real, but I don't necessarily want to read about it.
Oh, my God. Look at this.
"Brittle and horny? Afraid your bones will crack in the sack?"
Been there, done that. Yeah.
ANNO UNCER: "P." Come on.
"L," "A," "Y"...
BE TTY: All right, you can do this. You can do anything.
You're a dove, a kick-ass dove, just facing another challenge.
It's like a bike, just bigger.
DJ: Betty.
(GASPING AND SCREAMING)
ANNO UNCER: "R."
(SCREAMING)
JELL-O GIRL 1: Look out!
JELL-O GIRL 2: Oh, my God!
JELL-O GIRL 1: Careful.
- BETTY: I'm okay. - Beyond my wildest dreams.
- Magic. - Call 411.
ALEXIS: I can't believe they criticized one of our magazines that way.
I wonder whether that reaction was just the tip of the iceberg.
Have you seen the latest sales figures?
I know, but I think it has long-term potential.
And it's my mother's dream.
I had a thought.
A way of stopping the bleeding and helping Mode.
BETTY: Look, I've had a really rough day
and I'm still waiting for that handyman.
A couple minutes. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I... I can wait. Thanks.
ANSWERIN G MACHINE: Thank you for calling. Our offices are now closed.
What? No.
(LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
No, no, no, no, no.
(EX CLAIMS)
No, no, no, no, no. Don't do that.
No, stop. You're my power animal.
(SHRIEKING)
- Hello, Kimmie. - Long time no see, Betty.
So you're the manager here?
Actually, it's "On-Site Senior Executive in Charge of Food Operations."
Well, then, I guess you're exactly the person I need to talk to.
You see, it seems that you have cut back my father's hours recently.
Yeah, pretty much. He's a slacker.
No, he's not. He's a very hard-working, good person.
Then he must just be getting old. I mean, how old is he? Like, 100?
Just say the word, Betty.
- Take it back. - Nope.
All right, Kimmie, don't push me. I have had a very hard day,
and you have no idea what I am capable of.
Well, I'm not a cheeseburger, so I know you're not gonna eat me.
- Oh, no, you didn't. - Yes, I did. And it felt good.
No. What are you doing? No.
Sorry.
That's it. That is it. You are going down, bitch.
Well, I guess if we all have to work late,
we can at least enjoy a little family dinner together, right?
I can't believe the gall of Regis and Kelly, spewing that garbage.
Hot Flash serves a growing and diverse demographic.
We need a forum to discuss aging, menopause,
- personal dryness... - Mom...
Actually, Mom, there is something about Hot Flash
that we need to discuss.
DJ, no cake, come on.
Hey, déjeuner first, then dessert, right?
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
No, come on.
What are you... Give me the...
(GASPS)
(DJ LAUGHING)
Hey. That is not funny. Apologize to your aunt right now.
No, it's fine. Chocolate on silk, that'll come out.
What has gotten into you? Finish your dinner.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Fine, you're not hungry? Go do your English homework.
DJ, I'm not messing around. Right now. Go.
Now.
Well, isn't this a lovely evening?
Pig Latin.
Dirty skank.
Not the shake. Not the shake.
You mean, mean person.
- What is that? I don't even... - It doesn't come naturally to everyone.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Enough. You, you, get out.
- She started it. - It was her.
Yeah, get out, and tell your old man he's fired.
(GASPS)
Hey, let's go.
How do you like me now, Ugly Betty?
CLAIRE: Any sign of him?
DANIEL: He locked himself in there and won't come out.
I shouldn't have yelled at him.
I used to hate Dad when he yelled at me. I never got over it.
And now my own kid hates me.
He doesn't hate you, darling. He's just testing you.
Daniel, this boy has lost everything. His mother, his home in France.
You can yell at him, you're going to have to sometimes.
But as long as he knows you're going to be there for him tomorrow, it's okay.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hello? Yes, this is Claire.
What?
- You killed Hot Flash. - I didn't kill it. I downsized it.
And I had to find out from an assistant at the office.
I was gonna tell you at dinner, right before the cake attack.
Look, it makes economic sense to turn Hot Flash into a quarterly or an insert.
- A flyer? - An insert. Lots of magazines do this.
You know, you think you're the one making these decisions,
but you're just doing Wilhelmina's bidding.
First she pushed your brother aside, now my magazine.
Pretty soon, it'll be you.
Here you go, sweetie.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
I'm so sorry, Dad.
Please. There are other jobs. Better jobs.
- What happened to you today? - Everything.
Everything happened to me today. It's like I totally regressed.
What do you want?
I came to apologize.
Look, I acted like a child yesterday. I'm sorry.
I guess I'm still upset over the way you treated me in high school.
You were such a bully.
- Nice apology. - Sorry.
Look, Kimmie, I know you hate me, but don't take it out on my dad.
He really needs this job.
(SIGHS)
I don't hate you. I'm just jealous.
Wait, you're jealous of me?
You've got an apartment in the city, a great job,
and your dad's all proud of you.
Me? Everything went downhill after high school.
I mean, I'm working at this dump, I still live at home,
I've got a boyfriend that I kind of hate,
and I'm tired all the time, and I looked it up on the Internet,
and I'm 98% sure that I've got Lyme disease.
Whatever you do, don't have sex in the woods on Fire Island.
I won't.
(SIGHS)
Look, the worst part is, I just feel like nothing's ever gonna change.
Kimmie,
look, there are so many days where I feel exactly the same way.
But it gets better.
And it can for you, too. You just have to be willing to do something about it.
Take a leap. Don't be afraid to fall flat on your face.
Believe me, I do it every day.
Well, I've got to get this place ready before it opens.
Hey, Betty, tell Ignacio to be here at noon.
He can have his job back?
He's the best guy I've got on the fryer, and I can't afford to lose him.
Thank you. Thank you, Kimmie.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Hey, I was waiting for you to come out, but I guess I fell asleep.
(IN FRENCH)
Listen, things between us,
they're not always going to be great.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
But I'm your father, you are my son,
and we're in this together.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
So even when I have to say no...
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
I love you, too.
(SIGHS)
Taste the watermelon.
DANIEL: All right, okay, all right. That's enough, this is not funny.
You guys are acting like a bunch of idiots.
BETTY: Actually, it's pretty funny. And, yes, they are idiots,
which is exactly why you should put it on the Player website
and then leak it online.
- Betty, come on. - No, I'm serious.
You want to get more readers, then appeal to your demographic,
18 to 39-year-old male idiots who respond to this type of humor.
She's right. We do respond to that.
I told you she was good.
(BARKING)
Okay, okay, okay. I think I liked the booing better.
(LAUGHING)
(THUDDING)
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
(SCREAMING)
What are you guys doing here?
We figured you need some help.
- Major. - Hello.
Sorry about the whistle, but you scared me.
That's so sweet, thank you. Thank you.
Surprise.
Listen, I am really sorry that I was so hard on you the other day.
'Cause you're my kid sister, I'm so proud of you.
You've accomplished so much, and I just...
I wish I could get my crap together like you.
Hilda, you have your crap together.
You have the salon, which is about to take off.
And you found this perfect guy.
Yeah, he's not that perfect.
Really? Tell me one thing that's not perfect about the coach.
See? You can't even think of one.
Oh, my gosh, what are you making me?
JUSTIN: Curtains.
MARC: My dame's on Broadway.
You know I'm a triple threat.
Yes, an editor, a diva, and, well, a threat.
Remind me to give Kelly Ripa a gift basket.
She really came through for us.
She's as reliable as she is fertile.
New York City. Check.
"No more romantic entanglements."
(AMERICAN GIRL PLAYING ON GUITAR)
Hello!
Can we talk?
Hi.
- Hi. - I'm sorry, was I playing too loud?
'Cause I'm practicing for a gig tomorrow.
No, I mean, a little loud but, you know, if you're practicing,
then I could just wear ear plugs or something.
I'm your new neighbor, 5G.
I'm glad you stopped by, actually.
'Cause I think this might've fallen out of your stuff.
Oh, my God. I didn't even know I'd lost this. Thank you so much.
- It suits you. - Yeah. I guess it does.
Okay.
- Thank you. - Sure.
- Wait, what does the "B" stand for? - Oh, um... Betty.